So Much

April 26, 2007

Stress doesn't even begin to express what i feel and need. I guess it seems like so much more than that, a weight that I cant wait to get rid of because it needs to be lifted in order for my life to really be back on track. All of the things I need to do and accomplish in the next couple days/week is just unreal and seems so far away. I was put in 'treatment' on Tuesday 4/24 for 'suicidal thoughts' as my counselor thought. When I go back and read what i wrote on that day I guess I can understand why she thought I needed treatment. I wrote things like "If tears could kill me I'd drown in a second. Not tears of joy, just sorrow and pain." and "I think of death as a way out of life, of feeling. I could just with drawl all the money my mom just deposited and leave it with my suicide note; but I come places that are public because I know I cant hurt myself here." It was like I was looking for a safe haven, and that's what I was given. I know deep in my heart that I don't have the will power or anything like that to kill myself, and I don't want to die. I know that I have a lot to look forward to, but I was having a bad day. I guess it was worse than I thought, looking back. In counseling at treatment I think that the thing I enjoyed the most was the group treatments, just getting to know other people and their problems, and being able to help them, because by helping them I was helping myself and giving advice that I knew I needed to swallow too. I met so many wonderful people that I may cherish the rest of my life. I know I'll wonder how they are but the clinic recommends not speaking with the other patients, and I can completely understand why they would say that. I never thought I'd see myself in a place like that, I never thought I'd learn so much from people I didn't know that well. I was scared to be in a place that I didn't know, but felt a safety that I hadn't felt in a long time. I always thought before this experience that people that had to go to a 'treatment center' were either drug addicts or just crazy. Of course there were the crazies there but there were also the handful of us there for depression and just trying to live day to day until we could make ourselves better. My feelings as of right now are thoughtful of others and myself. Instead of working on the things I need to be working on, I write, because I don't know what else to do to make myself feel better. I know tonight I can sleep in my own bed, I don't have to be checked on ever 15 minutes, but at the same time, I know that I'm back in the 'real' world and I have to do 'real' world things, I have so much to do tomorrow that I just need to get it all done and come home to take a break and understand why I am the way that I am. I will grow through this experience, I know, but at the same time, has it held me back? I feel different now than I did when I was there. I cant explain the change maybe it just opened my eyes to so many new situations and people but I almost kind of feel like being there made me a little worse. I feel like they wanted me to be crazy, but still get better. They had to watch us all the time and we couldn't really do anything 'alone'. After being watched for that long, how do you go back to being normal again? But that raises the question of what is normal? Am I normal that I get depressed and have sad thoughts? Is it normal for people that are crazy and they are the normal and I'm different because I don't hear voices? Do you realize how many times I heard that this week? It makes you question yourself and try to figure out what is normal. It makes you wonder if what you are is ok and how you should be. I feel now like I should go on living my life, but at the same time, I feel like a part of me was left there, and I need to figure out how to get it back. I realize that the part of me that was left could be the part that needs the counseling in order to restore it to myself. They told me I need the counseling and all of that. I plan to make appointments and go to counseling faithfully in order to better myself and make myself strong again. I will continue to take my medications in order to make myself better, but is that all I need? Was it too early for me to leave? Is it normal to feel this way right now? Almost a little lost, and confused? Perhaps, that may be the answer to all of those questions. Its just like saying sure... do you mean yes... or no? I guess I just have to live day to day right now and find out what I need.