Tracking Down Thought
October 29, 2007
Trying to track down my thoughts can be a tricky game. I think too much. I have too much to say, but when it comes down to it and I sit to write, my thoughts escape me, until I'm driving or talking to someone and begin to cleverly think of things that I want to write down to remember... but I will never remember to write down those thoughts, if they don't come to me when I sit to write. My life right now consists of work and play. Classes, Menards, Radio Shack, Thinking on how I treat my life and what I expect myself to amount to are things that are always on my mind. Lately I feel as though I've definitely treated my life, if that is something possible to do. Going out, having fun, and still partially succeeding. Working 2 jobs, attempting to keep a social life, then putting my classwork and rest of my life on the back burner while I worry about other people and other things that seem for some reason, a bit more important to me. While I do all of this I lose sight of what I want to do with my life, my goals, my ambition. It would be a lie to say that I don't enjoy where I stand right now. At times, I do. At the same time I am scared for what I am becoming. I never thought I'd see myself in the position that I have put myself in. Neglecting school and letting myself become absorbed in a realm of madness. In saying that I guess I feel like I have grown up a lot lately and feel as though things, as horrible as they may seem are just a process. I feel like my life is a process, I live day to day by
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Trying to track down my thoughts can be a tricky game. I think too much. I have too much to say, but when it comes down to it and I sit to write, my thoughts escape me, until I'm driving or talking to someone and begin to cleverly think of things that I want to write down to remember... but I will never remember to write down those thoughts, if they don't come to me when I sit to write. Thinking on how I treat my life and what I expect myself to amount to are things that are always on my mind. Lately I feel as though I've definitely treated my life, if that is something possible to do. Going out, having fun, and still partially succeeding. Working 2 jobs, attempting to keep a social life, then putting my classwork and rest of my life on the back burner while I worry about other people and other things that seem for some reason, a bit more important to me. While I do all of this I lose sight of what I want to do with my life, my goals, my ambition. It would be a lie to say that I don't enjoy where I stand right now. At times, I do. At the same time I am scared for what I am becoming. I never thought I'd see myself in the position that I have put myself in. Neglecting school and letting myself become absorbed in a realm of madness. In saying that I guess I feel like I have grown up a lot lately and feel as though things, as horrible as they may seem are just a process. I feel like my life is a process, I live day to day by 'just making it'. Will that ever change? I dont know. Do I want that to change? Part of me does, but at the same time, part of me searches for something more. This time last year I was comfortably hanging out with my friend JoAnn and hanging out with a crowd who no longer has much to do with me. Why? I dont know that I have an answer for that. I am starting to realize slowly that people change and even if someone is still your friend, things differ about people when they start to grow up, and it sucks! This time next year I hope to be comfortably sitting in a job position that I am content with. I hope for the best in my job search to come for sales. But I will have to make that for myself. Do I make myself want to be someone for me though, or for everyone else, so they will respect me or so I don't disappoint my family or friends? I often wonder that. I have always been lucky and fortunate enough to fall into situations, is it fate or is it just that I've always been in the right place right time, and thats the way things are? I wonder that too, or is that fate in itself. I just hope that I will continue to be in those positions, in hopes for a good job. I guess thats really all I have to say right now. Just leaving with a quote, the first thing that I heard this morning when I woke up was a phone call from a close friend of mine. He said to me "I tried starting my car this morning, it sounded like a wizard choking on an apple." That, in itself, is funny. Guess he needed a ride to work though, thats not a safe option if the car is um... choking.