Tea for Two?

December 30, 2007

This tea party

has become a bit of a bore. A bit of a non-discrescional, ok so I dont want to use that word, and I dont want to sound all smart. My life right now is at a bit of a standstill. My

tea party

is becoming a bit quiet. I sit down to write and again, my thoughts escape me. I want to write what i'm thinking, but I'm thinking about what I want to write. In turn all that I'm left to write about is my writing. That really doesnt even make sense. A lot of my thoughts do not make sense, people find that to be part of my character. Perhaps that is a part of my alter ego as well. Its crazy to think of myself in other peoples eyes. What do they see when they look at me? Some people respect me and decisions I have made for myself. Others look at me and laugh. Those that laugh kind of hurt me but I'm trying to make that something that makes me stronger (better, faster, stronger- just a timbaland interruption there... minor difficulties thinking.)

My tea party is occasionally a lonely party. I sit at the table, looking at those on my left, a part of the past... wondering if they will scoot back closer and join the party again, or perhaps drift farther down the table until they are no longer at the party. I look to my right, where I see unfamiliar faces. I wonder which of those faces, will soon become my present...

I hope that the future is holding something real for me, because this is the first time in a long time that I didnt freak out when this shit was starting to go down hill........ I'm not working at radio shack anymore. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or scared. I guess I feel a bit of both of them really. Partially relieved, some of the stuff I put up with working there really frustrated me and kind of upset me at times. Also scared, partially for the money, partially because I feel like I might be losing a couple friends. When I think about it in a broader aspect though, if they are friends that no longer talk to me because i work with them, perhaps they are not my friends afterall. This has always been a hard lesson for me because I become so attached to people, but again, its something we go through, and I can do it again, I've done it a hundred times... right?

This tea party is a bit of a bore really...

The day before Rob called me into the back of radioshack I recieved a random horoscope message from Cosmo Magazine, that I had opted out of and had not recieved in at least 2 months. It said "Staying silent is best when caught in an awkward situation. If you say too much, you'll regret it."

So the mood at this party is pretty quiet.

I did not tell anybody on my last day, i just walked out gracefully, for the last time having... highest sales,a nd probably most productivity (if Rob knew how to measure that...) I walked out proud to have done a great job in my first sales (commission based) job.

I said nothing at this party, people in front of me start to move left at my table... soon walking out of my picture... being forgotten at the end of the table. I like to sit in the middle.

I like to have attention... although at times its kind of nice to have a minute alone, to think about these things. My alter ego is growing. I'm learning a lot about myself. I hope that in the future I will continue to learn. I may not be learning from my 'guy' friends anymore, looks like its going to be me and the girls for a while. I guess I need to start considering other guys... I'd say my best guy friend and I for now are going to begin to get a lot more distant... I think I'm ok with that...

Hopefully he will sit at my party semi-close to me.

Maybe introduce someone new in the picture for me... Just dont let it be Jackie, you're too good for her.

That all just helped me a lot with my thoughts. I think that perhaps I can enjoy some of my free time now.

This tea party is closed for the night.