2008.02.26 My Life Is a Song

My Life is a Song

February 26, 2008

As I was driving home from Nicks house this afternoon I had a revelation. I seem to feel like I have these when I make an important decision or path choice in my life. Usually I'll be thinking about this and the song that explains EVERYTHING will come on the radio. So I'm at a point that its time to make that dreaded decision. So here is the story today...<o:p></o:p> I went out to Nicks house to get a bag full of goods and things between us (to me at least) have been a bit awkward lately... where to we stand? Our lives have begun to come to a parting point, it sucks... I love having Nick around all the time but seriously, for me its time to put myself together again and get ready for the next stage of my life... I need to concentrate on classes and work and really... that is all I have to do. What I think I've been doing to myself is feeling like I need something else to fill some void, well I got that void filled and realize now that its time to just work on two things and both of those have to do with me. <o:p></o:p> As I'm writing this its every thought that I feel looking at my life from an outsiders view. I just realized to myself that I really am nothing other than a working student and I dont know what I've been doing with all of this extra stuff lately. I mean, I like to have these social realtionships but I just realized that I do not have to base my life around them. Why did this revelation come so late to me. I have been stressing myself out forever about this and really there was nothing to stress about in the beginning. <o:p></o:p> All of these thoughts are coming to me because I heard one song, now if I can think back to my thoughts a little bit of go I may be able to explain for my "later self" what I was thinking right now on February 26. <o:p></o:p> February by the way is probably one of the worst months of the year, and this year... it will be good because so far and granted there are 3 days left of february this year but it hasn't been the worst month of my life like every other February seems to be. <o:p></o:p> Damn......<o:p></o:p> (I had to come back and write this part in once I gathered my thoughts, so it might be a little random, kind of like my thoughts…. )<o:p></o:p> I was listening to the radio waiting to find out what fate had in store for me today. I usually turn to music and whatever comes on to help me through whatever thoughts are going through my head. The song that was on the radio was one by Rihanna <st1:place st="on"><st1:placetype st="on">ft.</st1:PlaceType> <st1:placename st="on">Ne-yo</st1:PlaceName></st1:place> called "Hate That I Love You". When I heard this on it turned my thoughts to loving Nick. Really what I had just experienced was an awkward attempt at figuring out what I needed. At the end of it was the hug and of course a mutual… friendship pat. I felt kind of like it was one of those fate moments that just happened to open up my eyes, and maybe it was intentional from him, he is known to do those type of things. Anyways the song that is on the radio is hate that I love you which at one time is kind of how I felt in my confusion <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ok the song:<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> PAPA ROACH

"Scars"

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> I open my heart to every person in my life and some people see much more of it than others… Nick I gave all of my heart to as one of the best friends I may ever have. I really do care too much, care too much about everything that has to do with Nick and nobody else. Every memory that I have and every habit that I have formed remind me that this is part of my life and who I am and will become. <o:p></o:p> And I feel:

<o:p></o:p>

Drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channel all your pain

And I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> I smoked a lot today when I picked up my bag from Nicks house. I've become somewhat of a 'pothead' I guess. I never wanted to label myself as a true smoker but really, I enjoy the way it makes me feel and the way that I can explore and express my feelings after I have smoked, like now… That was a bit of a side note, but anyways… I just want to be alone to write and feel. I have needed to figure things out for a long time and I come to these conclusions and then do nothing about them well I've made some changes in my life and these changes are about to see a huge uprooting because its time to grow up… Another side note, this could take a while and….<u1:p></u1:p> <o:p></o:p> I don’t really know how to put my thoughts on paper, I just want to note now that when I'm writing I am trying to write exactly what I am thinking and so I do exactly what I'm doing right now and that is reading back over what I have read to find my train of thought I guess…. I just want to write and not think about the writing but just my thoughts… Ok back on track:<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> Ok I am going to have to listen to the verse again to get back on track… <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <u1:p>I guess I'm high and I want to be able to explore the thoughts that I've had lately and the events that have led up to this point that I guess is re-evaluation time. I'm not mad at him for coming around I enjoyed our friendship and I hope that we will be friends forever because I really cant imagine a world without knowing that he is out there successful and happy somewhere. I'm not sure where he'll be but I really do hope that he will be happy someday. </u1:p>

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

<o:p></o:p> <u1:p></u1:p> I really do hope that somday he can be happy. But most of all I hope that someday I will be happy too. Its weird letting go of someone that I felt I loved with all my heart but I think its time <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p>

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you going down

But you never realized

That you're drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassions in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

<o:p></o:p> <u1:p></u1:p> I did everything I could to be everything to him. I worked myself short just to be there. I told myself a million times that I needed to stop and that it was over. I hope its not 'over' but I know it's different. I see things spiraling around you and I feel there is nothing I can do to help you. Your life started to spiral a long time before I was ever in it though. I think you've been through a lot and this is just another bump in the road. Losing your job, trying to fight custody of your son, who you never see, fighting with an ex girlfriend that you love, putting on a show for your friends so they will think you are ok, not many people know how you really are the true you. Great in every way and wonderful to know, but you have some stuff you wore on your sleeve for me and I'll never forget that. I see all of this stuff around you and I've given you everything that I can, I've offered you my hand. I'm a genuine girl and I will give you everything I have if I can help you, but now… I'm done. <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p> I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p> Knowing you has meant so much to me. You've taught me things that I would have never known about myself and made me really grow up and put out there what I need to do in my life to make myself successful. You've opened up my eyes as well as my heart and I thank you for that. <o:p></o:p> <u1:p></u1:p> <u1:p>

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause you're drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

And I left my heart open

But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself<u1:p></u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> You don’t get it of course and I may never be able to tell you how I really feel but that is okay. It seems as though you should have never come and I don’t understand why I can't get you out of my head. Your falling hard and I cant help you out. I have given you so much and left my heart completely open to you and you didn’t even get it. I can't help you anymore, you need to help yourself now. You've given me everything that you can and now I've given it to you... it's time to fix yourself. <o:p></o:p> <u1:p></u1:p> <u1:p> </u1:p> I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> I obviously can't help you fix yourself, I did try. I will always know that you are a great person with everything to offer the world. I wish I could wave my magic wand and rain true happiness all over you because you really have given me a new opening to my life…. At least I can say I tried to help you with my great advice and total brelapses… I know you'll think about them sometimes. I know you've probably already moved on a long time ago, and I'm sorry it took me so long but I think it really is time for me to move on. And I'm moving…<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p> I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel<u1:p></u1:p> <o:p> </o:p> I sit in tears and write this, to my future self and the eagerness to see what feelings are like… well these are real… they are everything. I feel completely free right now, free to move on from the first stage of my life. I keep thinking this is the ending to a stage and I'm just getting onto a new one… well life is kind of like a lot of things and there are a million metaphors for life. This song is just one of many. <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> <u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p> I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

So many things were figured out for myself in the past nine months. Its just weird that this song sums up so much in one song. It makes me feel free, scared, and ready. <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> When this song is being sung I hear… I tear my heart open, I sell myself short. <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> I think that this means so much to me because I really do feel that I don’t give myself enough credit for the things that I do. Its time to take credit for those things and move on to my next step. <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> The first step I have to take is to be a student and an employee. I need to remember my friends in there somewhere as I love my friends for everything that they have given me and I'm ready to take that step. <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> I have so many thoughts that I want to put onto paper but I just cant because they disappear just as quickly as I decide to write them. <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p> I really wish that I had a typewriter for my thoughts.<o:p></o:p>

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