Not Sure, but Sexuality?
April 12, 2008
What seems to be the problem? I have the chance for some of the things that I've only hoped and wished for for a while and now they are there and I want no part of it. The NSA thing that I think I want occassionally... totally right in front of my face with two people who i've come to know and love, like brothers. One is a MC for BlissO'C (cut from the group by himself so he could explore music). Hes a big guy, probably 300 pounds about 6'0? I dont know I'm short so it doesnt matter to me. I thought at one time that it would be cool to have a secret romance with Bob Roberts, I mean the man will probably be a celebrity someday, the thought crossed my mind but was kind of changed quickly when I got the chance and went running. Its like I pursue things until they are ready for me then I turn around and walk away from them. Is it because I dont know what to do with myself or perhaps that I am afraid to make those decisions because I'm not happy with myself. I think that if I were more self confident then I'd be happier to do things with people and "bump nasties" as Phil put it tonight. But still probably not with Bob Roberts, even though he does have soul... (one of his songs).
Phil Northrop, the big brother pimp that I have become quite acustom to loving! He is one crazy fool but he's so minipulatitative and I dont know where my trust would lie with the guy... Hes a nice guy, genuinely cares about the immediate people in his life, he will take care of each situation as it is handed to him... if it requires him lying or bending the truth then that is what he will do, and he covers it so welll.............
I think tonight I probably could have stayed at Phil and Nicks new place and could have done 'stuff' with phil, but that would just make it kind of awkward for me... I'm like the token girl in the group and it would be weird to sleep with any of them...
Someday I'll find someone I want to explore my sexuality with... someday
The reason I got on to write this tonight was my thinking of why I cant take a chance and sleep with someone or accept that a guy likes me and not worry about what everyone else thinks of it? I'm not really sure to be honest, I havent figured it out yet but I think that will be key in finding out what is going to be part of my happiness...
Right now my thoughts on it are: Maybe I dont want it because I'm not happy with myself, I'm afraid to throw the baggage I carry on to another person because when I do, they become a friend and not someone that I want to spend my life with... Its weird I cant even think right now and I know this is jumpy so I'm going to call it a night, my mom is coming to town in the morning and I have to work all day... holy shit... or as the boys say JJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS